Introduction
For many years the issue of having to forgive as Jesus commanded us remained a problem for me. After all, bad things happen to us. Persons can mistreat us, lie about us, and insult us – and it hurts!
Jesus told us that if we did not forgive others, the Father in Heaven would not forgive us (Matthew 6:14-15). It makes it clear that forgiveness is a very important issue.
But what are the reasons for this? And what does forgiveness mean?
I firmly believe that forgiveness has a lot to do with our well-being. Jesus came to set us free, and this freedom begins in our hearts, which from a biblical perspective means our innermost beings.
What does forgiveness mean, and how can I forgive others through Christ in me as me?
I used to think that forgiveness meant to let the culprit get away with their sin, and I should behave as if nothing had happened to me, a kind of negating any existing problem and acting as if all were well.
But I was wrong. To forgive does not mean the offense is unimportant. God takes very seriously what happens to us and watches over us as He promised in the Bible.
God downloaded so many insights about forgiveness that helped me to lead a happy and active life, despite offenses directed against me. Let me share what I learned.
1. Insight: The prison warden
Let’s have a look at a parable Jesus told his disciples.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.
As he began the settlement, a man had to appear before him who owed him ten thousand talents. Since he could not pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had, be sold to repay the debt.
“The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’
The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt, and let him go.
“But when the servant went out, he found one of his fellow-servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’
“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.
When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.
Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow-servant just as I had on you?’
Angry, his master turned him over to the jailors until he should pay back all he owed.
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
Matthew 18:21-35
From this parable, it becomes evident that unforgiveness towards others is the same as placing them into a prison cell. In so doing you have taken on a new job. You have turned into a prison warden, continuously guarding the offender so that thy cannot escape. What a disagreeable preoccupation, robbing you of precious time and draining your energy! Instead, you could run with the Lord towards what He has prepared for you.
It gets uglier still, for the location of this prison is your heart. No evildoer in your heart will do your heart any good. They might cause havoc, scream and shout and do any ugly thing you can imagine. Of course, this is not reality, but the imagined becomes more real than it is.
Unforgiveness grounds you and keeps you staying put. You will be unable to move on and pursue your God-given dreams and goals.
Open the doors and let the person go. Every criminal who has run away receives punishment eventually. God waits for you to take your hands off so that He can move. He said that retaliation belongs to Him. Let your prisoner run free and tell God, “Over to you, he or she is your prey, go and get them!” Ask God to deal with the person according to His wisdom, in His ways, and in His time. God will not wish harm to the person but wants every person to reconcile themselves with him.
You will feel free when it stops being an issue. The most important thing is that you hand the person over to God and let go.
Do not be a prison warden. Let go of those you have held captive through unforgiveness.
2. Insight: Could loneliness be an issue?
Sometimes unforgiveness can have loneliness at its deeper roots. If a person feels lonely and lacks company and friends, a so-called prisoner, as related above, might be kept not to feel alone. It sounds weird but could be true. Unforgiveness can be a way of keeping company. It is the wrong company for friendship is based on mutuality and freedom.
3. Insight: Stay up and do not be pulled down
I heard of a man who bought his daily newspaper from a booth down the road. For no apparent reason, the seller began to insult his customer regularly. How would I have reacted? I most likely would have stopped buying my paper there. I might even have challenged the man or told him off.
However, this buyer did none of the suggested. Ignoring the booth owner’s bad behavior, the man got his daily paper as always. An onlooker began to notice, observed, and wondered about these happenings. His curiosity caused him to approach the abused man and asked the man how he could remain calm even though the seller continued to be rude to him for no reason. The man replied: “If I hit back and became equally rude, I would lower myself to the same hideous level of behavior and attitude. I do not wish to live my life where there is neither peace nor joy. If I were to re-act, he would have ruled the game. I do not want to react. I want to act and remain a free person.”
What insight! Remember, you are called to soar like an eagle. Do not let anything keep you from the high calling of God.
4. Insight: Free your hands to do the work God called you to do
Recently, a friend of mine suggested that harboring grudges against somebody was like carrying a heavy burden on your back. In pursuit of this person, you fill your hands with offenses. Free your hands to be able to do what God called you to do.
Carrying burdens will hurt you, exhaust you, and stop you from going forward and reaching your goal.
Get rid of anything that hinders you on your way ahead.
5. Insight: Do not look back: move forward
One day I heard the Lord say very clearly: “If you make a mistake and acknowledge it before me, I will take you by the hand, and we will move forward together”. I immediately realized in my spirit what the Lord wanted to tell me. Do not look back and waste one more thought on the bad mistakes you have made. Forgive yourself, also forgive others if necessary. Take God’s hand and keep going. You cannot look back and move forward. Jesus talked about this in Luke’s gospel (see Luke 9:62). Do not allow yourself to be distracted and hindered from past things and therefore behind you. Let the past be over, and move on with God’s calling on your life.
God desires for you to take positive actions. Move on, pushing forward. Do not ponder bad happenings, do not allow destructive ideas and thoughts to enter your heart and mind. Instead, protect your heart. Make sure that you do not burden yourself with negative thoughts or feelings. (see Proverbs 4:23)
Follow Jesus’s plans for your life. He will never hold grudges against you but forgives and forgets what has happened so that you can go forward without any strings attached to the past. It is the only way to pursue your goals and the wonderful, fruitful life God intends you to have.
6. Insight: Do not involve your heart, instead bless the offender
This one is simple: Just bless the person. You might not be able to mean this at first. Endeavor to stay on track by continuously speaking out blessings on the person (not to his or her face). It will keep your heart from being preoccupied with the offender and the offense. I will give you an example from my own life.
Many years ago, a close relative of mine decided to stop the life support machine that kept my terminally ill brother alive without informing my mother, sister, or myself.
None of us were able to be with him in his last hour and to say good-bye. This atrocity happened because this close relative bore grudges against us.
To make matters worse, the person did not inform us about the condolence cards and the funeral. Everything happened in secret and in an attitude of anger towards us.
I had loved my brother dearly, and these misdemeanors added to the immense pain of the loss we suffered. I was furious at that relative. Killing would not have been enough. Suffering and endless torture would possibly make up for the pain I experienced.
My ugly disposition towards that person lasted for several days after my brother’s passing. Suddenly I started to experience a spiritual and physical downward pull through the harboring of those ugly thoughts. My heart got burdened to the extent that I felt dragged into an abyss should I not stop this immediately. I decided that I would begin to speak out blessings towards the culprit. Do not get me wrong. I did not feel that way at all. I still believed the person deserved the most terrible punishment I could imagine. But I knew that I had to begin being nice to myself. (At that time, it never occurred to me that my heavenly Father’s will to forgive a person had more to do with my own heart than with the person that had offended). By speaking out blessings, I gained some needed distance and kept my heart from suffering even more. I blessed the person day in and day out. After a while, my feelings changed. I could see the desperation of that person and how caught up in anger and how offensively the person had acted. Feelings of pity arose and surprisingly began to warm my heart.
Several years passed until I saw that relative again who had overcome the whole issue and was able to talk to us as a family as if nothing had happened.
7. Insight: Before you forgive
In the above story, you will have noticed that I was not able to forgive immediately. I poured out my heart towards God, again and again. I was honest about the state of my heart. I cried about the burdens of my heart until I was ready and forgive the person. It was an act of obedience at first until it began to take hold of my heart and enabled me to be differently disposed towards the offender.
King David was a Psalmist, which is a songwriter, and a worshipper. Although he did a few bad things in life, he was called a man after God’s heart. David suffered much at the hands of his enemies and he did not keep quiet about this. He was downright honest with God. David accused his enemies before God, and wished them the worst. Once he had aired his anger and disappointment before God, David began to worship God. God is always the first person to go to when there are issues with people or situations. God desires for us to be honest. He is pleased when we relate to Him as our very best friend in whom we can confide the worst and ugliest inklings of our hearts. He knew all along and will never be offended or surprised. God can help us best when we are truthful and do not hold anything back from him.
Never think you need to be well-behaved, well-spoken in the presence of God. For God wants a heart-to-heart relationship, a relationship that is real, truthful and honest.
8. Insight: Forgive yourself
I talked with many people in counseling sessions. Whether these were work colleagues, friends, or church members, they all suffered from one thing or the other and wished they could do away. It might be a bad habit, a destructive way of behavior, seemingly small things, or big things. But in all cases, people wished they could get rid of these overnight. Often this did not happen, and often people hated themselves for not being able to self-manage and abort those things that bothered them. Forgiveness then usually became an issue towards the self.
God loves you, always, no matter what you have done or not done. He is eager to forgive. But God wants to be asked to forgive us. And we must understand that in accepting Christ, we will be forgiven, for our relationship with God is based on Christ’s death, burial and resurrection for us, and as us. (1 John 1:9, Galatians 2:20).
Forgiveness truly is a legal matter. God forgives us because Christ paid the price for us. We were under the devil’s jurisdiction, and Jesus paid the price. (2 Corinthians 5:21).
9. Insight: When forgiveness seems impossible
All these shared insights might have helped you understand why forgiveness is necessary. However, did it help you to forgive? Let me be honest and answer this question: No, these insights did not enable me to forgive. I understood why forgiveness was important, but my heart was still uninvolved. All the hurt, pain, and disappointment I experienced cried out the louder.
Forgiveness is not a matter of the intellect but the heart.
God deals with our hearts and not only our minds. He is very relational and does not want us to keep rules and regulations purely mechanical.
I have already stated that Christ died for us and as us. He was buried and then rose again. If you follow Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you have become re-born. Jesus explains these truths when talking to Nicodemus in chapter 3 of John’s gospel. Being born again means that we have shared in the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ. We receive new life. This new life is the actual life of Christ. Consider Jesus talking about having come to give us overflowing life (John 10:10). The Greek word for life here is “Zoe”, a word used to describe the actual life of God. Through Christ, you received the life of God. You no longer live, but Christ lives in you (Galatians 2:20).
You have died, and your old life is gone. God will never bring it back. Instead, you have become a new creation. God wants you to become more and more aware that you are this new creation and that the old has gone. (2 Corinthians 5:17).
God is not behaviorally orientated. He wants you to become God-conscious, not self-conscious trying to make right something you perceive as wrong. It is hard to change behavioral patterns. But once they are dead, they are gone. Know that you are a new creation, living the life of Christ in you as you should become your focus. Take time out with God, hang around with Him. His love, joy, and peace are aspects of your new Christ-life. The more time you spend with Him in stillness, the more His life will manifest as your life. God will take care of any bad habits or behavioral issues. As you submit to God and spend much time just with Him alone, He will change you into His image and likeness.
God has no problem with forgiveness, and as you yield to Him daily, He will forgive in you, through you, and as you. It will eventually become a habit. But remember, this is a process, and God knows this too. He is your help and your strength.
No longer live by your strength, no longer seek to do things for God, not even with God, but instead allow God to work things out in you, through you, and as you. Paul discovered that he was able to do all things through Christ, who was his strength. (Philippians 4:13).
Conclusion
There will always be things coming against us in life, people, circumstances, sorrows of all kind. Do not ignore these. Take them to God, as David did, and then let them go.
These insights helped me to know how to guard my heart. I learned that I could pray and forgive others. Life was burdenless. I felt like an eagle soaring in the sky.
God’s word is unfathomable, and therefore I am sure there are so many more reasons why we should forgive everybody immediately.
I have written these insights for you to begin to think differently about forgiveness: forgiving a person has nothing to do with the person itself, but rather it helps you not to be pulled down, not to harbor toxic thoughts and emotions in your heart, and to be freed of any burden that will hinder you, ground you and keep you from being able to soar up high, being successful in all your doing and reaching your God-given purpose.
What, when, and how God does, is never ever any of your business.
For you, it is vital to be freed of any burden so that you will be able to soar like an eagle.
For this, God has called for you.
Stay Blessed.
Dr. Marianne Herr, info@marianneherr.com
Bible verses
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:23
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.
As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
“The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’
The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
“But when the servant went out, he found one of his fellow-servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’
“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.
When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.
Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow-servant just as I had on you?’
In anger, his master turned him over to the jailors to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
Matthew 18:21-35
Jesus replied, “no-one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:62
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
2 Corinthians 5:21
In reply, Jesus declared, “I tell you the truth, no-one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.”
John 3:3
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
2 Corinthians 5:17
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13
Scripture quotations are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION; Copyright © 1973,1978, 1984 by International Bible Society, Used by permission.
